Faking it Till You Make It With Depression and Anxiety

Yesterday I had someone come over to my house and I helped them make some home made bath bomb. I don't really know the person too well, but she is someone who my boyfriend has known, and I am trying my best to help more people even if it pushes me completely out of my comfort zone. (Like it did yesterday).

It is hard for me to hang out with people for long periods of time. Especially if I barely know you. I have been bullied, made fun of, egnored, spoken over, and made fill left out, in even the smallest groups of myself plus two, ever since I was a child.

It does have a bigger effect on humans then some choose to believe to be picked on in your childhood. I was told so many things that were mean and cruel and yah- some of them don't matter anymore, but some of that teasing and bullying made me who I am today with my depression and anxiety.

You see when I was a kid I was a good girl, straight edge, I went to church every Sunday and hardly missed a day of school. Even back then I still had my bad thoughts and my negative way of thinking, it was just easier to fight off because I was a kid who had my entire future ahead of myself to change all of the bad that my brain saw.

But as time went on as I went through more of people being mean and hurting me, trying to control and change me, and hit by hit they started to reform my shell. It made it to where I started to live for survival through humanities cruelty, instead of survival of humanity.

Instead of being nerves and being able to trick my head into thinking its a nerves excitement like I could when I was young, my brain starts to want to protect me and thus sends me into an anxiety/panic attack.

My brain and heart have created an alarm system that is extra sensitive to protect themselves from anymore of the negativity of the world. So now when I start to feel nerves (even with excitement) my brain starts to send signals to my body to be on watch for danger. For someone who is near but not trust worthy, for someone who in their own battles have lost all regard for good will to man kind. To keep my eyes open for that person who wants to destroy me just to see someone else fill the pain they are in. It doesn't matter who I am with sometimes. I could be right next to someone who I trust with my life and I will still not feel secure enough to relax and just enjoy myself.

But that is a part of my depression and anxiety that I am trying to overcome, Faking that I am okay in situations like hanging out with people in my house until it makes it to where I am actually okay.