Family Portrait
I went and spent time with my family. I love my family and I know that they love and support me as well, but it will never be the same.
The way it was before I started to break for the first time. I made some really bad decisions in my life that hurt not only myself, but hurt my family; because they loved me so much. I burned and destroyed bridges in my relationships with my family, that no matter how hard I work I don't believe that I will ever repair.
Years ago when I was released from the hospital I decided that prescription medication was not for me. In this state cannabis is legal, and after much consideration I decided that the natural plant was a better option for helping me along the way. This decision did not come easy coming from a very religious family and back ground. But I did my research, prayed, and even attempted to talk to multiple pastors about it.
All of the scripture I have found, all of the hours sitting in silence, praying and researching I found the best peace in a all natural option. This decision put a huge strain on my relationship with my family.
Along the journey of some of the biggest changes in my adult life I met an amazingly supportive man. He is just like every other man out there in the aspect of perfectly fitting the title of an A-hole from time to time, but more often than not he is my biggest fan and supporter. Our relationship started off very rocky because we both were in huge growing spots of life. He was growing and rebelling against pain that he ignored for years. I was going through my own mental hell.
The start of our relationship was in a time frame that I was vulnerable and unstable and my family was very protective. I made some decisions, said some things, and acted a fool, and through it all I destroyed my chance of my family giving my spouse a chance.
It hurts because they raised me on standards that they ask me to break any time they invite me like I am a single woman. It hurts because if one day we do decide to take the next step in our relationship, they won't be supportive and happy for me, and I have no one to blame but myself.
I want to be with my family more, to go to family dinners every week, and to go see my nephews and nieces more. I want to invite my family to go out to lunch and ice cream, but I can't. It messes with my head, triggers both my anxiety followed by my depression when I do go because I am sitting with my mom, dad, sisters and their spouses, and for bigger events, uncle with his wife, cousins with their wives, grandma with grandpa. I'm left sitting in the corner, in my head about how they are not actually engaging in many of the conversations that I attempt to have with them.
They say time heals everything but it has almost been three years. Although the relationship with them has some what started to look a tiny bit up, the term healing doesn't exactly describe what is going on. I will never be forgiven. Never be trusted. I will never have a life that my family wants to be a part of. I am not turned away from visiting their lives on their terms, but I must enter their life to be a part of it. I must be invited. I will be rejected every time when I try to include them in my life.
I live honest. I live raw. I live for God. I live being freed of all regret. With or without forgiveness.
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